sad news but trusting God

The reason I have not really been writing much or commenting lately is due to a very sad time in our little family. The reason I really want to share this is so that as brothers/sisters in Christ you might pray for us but also as my friends I want you to know about this important yet sad time in our lives, it's important to share the good and the hard with each other, to build each other up and to encourage each other in God's word.

We found out about 5 weeks ago we were pregnant! We were very excited at first but when I reached 6 weeks I started spotting, I felt really uneasy about this and it didn't sit very well with me. Pregnancy + bleeding = bad news to me!

Anyhow, the doctor requested I go for a 8 week scan which was last Monday. For a whole week and a half I had stopped being excited and was actually preparing myself for bad news. I guess a glimmer of hope always remains but as a women I think God has most definitely given us an intuition and I just knew in the bottom of my heart that things didn't look good.

Monday was a really tough day, we went early for the ultrasound. I had two ultrasounds but no fetal heartbeat could be found, the sac and fetus were only measuring 6 weeks and I should have been 8 weeks. I was very certain of my dates and also with the spotting starting at around 6 weeks I just knew what the outcome would be. There were many tears and I felt sick in my tummy at the prospect of the results.

An hour later and I collected my results and it was confirmed that it was a nonviable pregnancy. I felt awful and I cried a lot on Monday, seeing that everything was there but not growing was tough - you try not to get too excited especially knowing that 1 in 4 women miscarry but there is a part of you that can't help but think through having a baby and what that might look like...

Then the process of the miscarriage started all by itself, it was like my body was given permission to do what it needed to do, the news having been confirmed.

Although I have had a few really bad days and today being my first day back at work I feel a little fragile I want to say that through all of this - I have felt God's peace and his comfort at this time. He is in control and the reason this has happened is because he wants what is best for SP and I, even though at times it might be hard to understand - right here right now I trust him and his will for us!

I know God is already teaching me so much and I am sure once we get through to the other side there will be even more he has taught us... God wants us to lean on him, to trust him, to follow him. When things are going well and when life is good it can be easy to forget our need for God. It is when something like this happens where we are totally out of control that we seem to cling to God more than ever. I guess ironically we need God for the very breath we breath each day - it can just be easy to forget!

I see this as an opportunity to glorify God, to show friends and family that we trust God even through the hard times, that even through the hard times we believe that God is in control of everything... Maybe I will also have other opportunities to speak to other women who have been though the same thing, that I might be able to encourage, love and speak to them about this experience.

Please pray for us as we grieve this loss, as my body does what it needs to do and as we think ahead to the future. It has been so stressful and the thought of going through this again freaks me out - please pray that God might be gracious in granting us a healthy pregnancy and baby in the near future.

I hope you don't mind me sharing, it's good to write it all down when it is fresh so I can look back at how God has been working and is working in my life right now.